Loss

We Can’t Fix Everything

“Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You’re aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can’t be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn’t be.”
C. JoyBell C.Happy Matters, LLC's photo.

Sometimes we have to break ties with the people we thought we would have around us forever. This separation is necessary and comes when you and that other person are fully prepared. With separation comes feelings of love and loss, anger and resentment. These feelings are normal and should be welcomed. There is learning behind every severed relationship.

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Picking up the Pieces: Overcoming a Loss

“Write the  bad things that are done to you in the sand, but write the good things that happen to you on  a piece of marble.” – Arabic Saying

Overcoming a loss of any kind can be a long and arduous process. Whether you have recently lost your possessions, your sense of freedom, your livelihood, or someone very dear to you, it is challenging to think there is life after loss. Convincing yourself of this concept can prove to be quite difficult. Just think of the last time you tried to tell a friend or loved one that they would eventually be able to pick up the pieces, that it would just take time. This is obviously easier said then done when you are not the person that feels as though their world is slowly crumbling down upon them. While many at first try to deny what has happened to them by closing their eyes to the loss they have experienced,  they quickly realize they cannot turn their mind or heart off to the reality of their situation. They have experienced a loss and are just expected to watched the world go on before their very eyes. For many this brings about feelings of resentment and total abandonment. “How can the world not see what is happening to me?” “How can those around me not understand what I’m going through?” While those who see you suffer would probably give anything in their power to help you to see they too suffer in knowing you’re hurting, it will never be enough.  Picking up the pieces after a loss is in your hands alone. Support and love can help you in this process, but in the end the decision to overcome and to move on is yours and yours alone.

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Will your circumstances eventually get better? The answer to this is… yes!  In the moment, it is very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That glimmer of hope where you see yourself a few months or years down the road, living a life having fully recovered from the loss you have experienced. If we could somehow see our future selves happy and healthy after suffering a loss it would surely help us to speed up the process. While we cannot see this for ourselves in the moment it is something we need to learn to aspire to. Look to better days they are just around the corner. Think of past experiences you’ve had with loss. Whether they were a major or minor loss, you were able to pick yourself up and move forward. How did it all play out? Was there someone who helped you to move on? Did you wake up one morning and decide today was going to be different? Perhaps this is your first experience with loss. Is there anyone you can look to whom has experienced a similar pain? Whatever strength you discover to aid you in your journey to healing, try to find it in this moment.

“Beginning is easy; continuing is hard.” – Japanese Proverb

JUMP AHEAD TO THAT NEW DAY

You have allowed yourself time to go through the process of grieving. You have experienced the common steps associated with the grieving process and have found that you are closer and closer to healing. What has transpired in these last few months or years after your loss?  You have allowed for a healthy amount of denial to pass through your mind. In the beginning all you wanted to do was close your eyes to what happened. It was during this stage that you thought if you just go to bed and wake up this experience would all just have been a bad dream. When you were finally ready to accept reality, you allowed yourself the chance to yell at the top of your lungs and ask “Why!!!.” You permitted your feelings of anger to surface and present themselves for you to feel. By doing so, you were eventually able to see your feelings of anger dissipate. As time passed you began to negotiate with the universe.  These were the moments you would hear yourself bargaining for a different circumstance. “I would give anything for a chance to say…” “I would trade anything to get those moments back.” “I promise to do it right this time.” When you finally came to the realization that your cries for hope failed to result in any change in circumstance, depression settled in. You accepted these feelings and allowed them to have their moment in your life. You sought to isolate yourself from others and to deal with your pain head on.  “Don’t be afraid to cry. It will free your mind of sorrowful thoughts.” – Hopi Saying. When you finally processed your emotions you realized that the final stage of healing was upon you. You slowly began to accept your loss and slowly returned to the world. Did you have moments where you felt scared, guilty, or full of doubt? Absolutely! You took each of these moments in stride because you had finally begun to feel what it was to experience a sense of healing. You have once again rejoined the world and have grown from your experience with a better understanding of life. You have overcome a loss and are a better person because of it.

If there is anything I would like for readers to gain from this post is the inevitable truth that healing is a process that requires time and a great deal of mental strength. Healing will come when you allow yourself an opportunity to feel all the emotions one is expected to encounter when they experience loss. If you deny yourself the opportunity to feel what we all know is natural and common, then the process of healing will be made all the more difficult. One cannot deny themselves this opportunity for the sake of others or for the sake of not appearing weak or vulnerable. It is your happiness and ultimately your peace of mind that you are gambling with. We will all encounter loss in one form or another throughout our lifetime so it is important that we accept these moments as moments that will not only challenge us, but will help to shape us as human beings.

Ambition In The City

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